And naturally the next question is do I already have it. A life by design does not mean that my life is perfect or that I have everything I want. Yet.
For me, a life by design means that I get to make choices, that I actively engage in creating my life and that I use what turns up as a way of seeing how close I am to the mark and where I need to make adjustments.
A life by design involves choosing what emotions I feel. And I believe we have a choice, and that even an empath has choice. I learned many years ago that negative emotions are generated by ‘stories.’
Firstly I discovered that from the work of Dr Albert Ellis when I was trying to get a handle of my anger. (OK, it was rage.) At that time he was the world authority on anger management.
He wrote of the connection between thoughts and emotions but I was particularly struck by the judgement aspect in the creation of anger. We can’t be angry unless a ‘should’ is present, a judgement of some kind. Damn right I thought, and I have every reason to be angry. ‘He shouldn’t have treated us like that.’
Until I found tapping, anger was a constant source of emotional turmoil for me, not so much as in venting, but of the passive aggressive kind which is far more destructive in the long run, because it festers and hides and pretends it doesn’t exist.
Once I started tapping on my anger, the ‘stories’ presented themselves, the long list of judgements I was making about life, other people’s behaviour and situations that were not to my liking.
I discovered just how judgemental I really was, how demanding I was and the more I tapped the less angry I became about everything. I eventually realised that the real source of my anger was always something about me. Because tapping does that if you follow the prompts down the rabbit hole.
It reveals the truth about yourself. When we have a fight with someone, what we fight about is never the problem. Let’s say you and your partner constantly fight about money. You believe in saving money, being cautious and your partner is a spendthrift, and he makes large purchases without your agreement.
When this happens, you blow up, fly off the handle, accuse him of being irresponsible. Same old argument, every week, same old outcome.
When you tap on how you feel about this, and if you allow yourself to follow the prompts and drill down, you will probably discover places where you are irresponsible, not with money but with time, with possessions, or in some other way.
Tapping reveals those places to you. And it allows you to soften, to suspend the judgement and to stop feeling so angry and out of control. Next time your partner does that, you are less hostile and more open to rational discussion. Soon, his behaviour only raises a twinge of annoyance.
Do that a few more times and something really magical happens.
You suddenly realise that your partner is discussing his purchases with you before he goes on a spending spree.
And this has happened before you head to counselling or the divorce courts, without you asking him to change his behaviour. It has happened because you have stopped judging and labelling and accusing and because you have taken responsibility for your own shortcomings.
That is how you start to create relationships by design. No fuss, no “We need to have a talk,’ scenarios.
We create our own lives on a day to day basis. That is a life by design and understanding the dynamics of relationships puts you in the drivers seat to be able to do that. We can change everything when we learn to use energy instead of our conscious mind.
If you are struggling with a Groundhog Day relationship, why not do something about it. If you go to my website you won’t see this listed as a service and I no longer promote it, but here is the link if you have a relationship situation of any kind you’d like to experience by design instead of by fault.
*** I don’t work with those living in active domestic violence situations but I do work work with anyone who wants to clean up their past around DV.****