My life didn’t get off to a very good start. I was born screaming and didn’t stop until I was four years old. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was 20 months old, which was quite unusual, considering it was 1954. The shrink told my mother there was nothing wrong with me but a lot wrong with my father. Smart man that psychologist.
My childhood was a waking nightmare from which there was no escape. My father was an alcoholic and my mother the ultimate victim. We lived with violence, abuse and sheer terror, because my father was unable to control his emotions or his life and took his pain out on the rest of us. Every night I went to bed worrying if my mother would still be alive in the morning.
My father did everything in his power to destroy my mother and myself through mental, verbal and physical abuse because he hated women with a passion. My mother sported many broken bones at the hands of my father over the years. The truth was he hated everyone, but most of all himself, although he never came to that realisation.
When he was sober, he didn’t speak at all, so we were forced to live in silence. We were not allowed to talk at dinner, have fun, or be children at all. We never enjoyed Christmas and my father never acknowledged our birthdays, attended school concerts or sporting events that we were part of. In fact, we enjoyed no family life at all. Not ever, not for one single day.
He told us at every available opportunity that he never wanted any of us ‘little bastards.’
In fact, my father took great delight in teasing, tormenting and humiliating us. And he was particularly gifted at withholding whatever we wanted. Our beloved dog was taken to the pound to be put down. He took from me my nearest and dearest possessions and threw them in the garbage or burnt them in the fire, for no particular reason except malice. I grew up with a very distorted view of life and what one could expect from it.
My father never worked a day in his life and tried to earn a living through gambling. The stress was tremendous. We lived in abject poverty and it was my shameful job to deal with debt collectors from the age of 10, to bring home groceries from the local shop on credit and to take the tram into the city by myself and pay the mortgage when it was both late and short of the monthly payment.
When I was 14, my father bashed me into a state of unconsciousness because I played hookie from school. And he left me in my room for days coming in and out of unconsciousness. On that occasion and every other similar one, my mother did not protect me.
If you multiply what you have already read by 100, you might start to get the picture of what my childhood was like. By the time I was 16, a doctor told my mother that if I didn’t leave home I would have a nervous breakdown. I did leave home, but the damage to my psyche was well and truly done.
For the next 15 years, my life revolved around all forms of escapism; drugs, alcohol and promiscuity. But, interestingly enough, I always managed to hold down good jobs and maintain a semblance of normal life. But I was hardwired for anxiety, depression, panic disorder, hypochondria, multiple addictions and phobias. And that was on a good day. I was filled with rage at the world and held deep fears about how dangerous this planet was.
By the time I was 34, the wheels started to fall off. I was a single mother, a teacher, and a perfectionist with an extreme A type personality. By that time, I had been involved in 5 broken relationships. And I had developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which of course I considered an inconvenience, because I did not want to be slowed down.
It was at that time I discovered Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life.” After being told there was no cure for CFS, I managed to heal myself within a couple of weeks. Finding that book was the catalyst that changed my life because I discovered that I have the power within me to change everything I don’t like about my life and it started me on a personal development path that continues to this day.
I wish I could tell you that it was all plain sailing from there, but it was not. What most people do not seem to get and I was one of them is that knowing something and feeling okay about it is not the same as actually letting it go. Thinking is a mental activity. Feeling is an emotional activity and they are an entirely different experience.
Issues can be buried so we don’t feel them and we are no longer aware of them, but that does not mean they are dealt with. We bury them so we can get on with the business of living, but it is not a good idea, because the world will continue to reflect them back to us until they are dealt with.
For the next 10 years, I read every self help book I could lay my hands on, attended every personal development seminar and workshop and sprouted all the right words to as many people who would listen and I thought I was done with my issues, because on a conscious level, I had forgiven my father and life and God and my life was in some sort of order. What a cosmic joke that was.
The wheels fell off again and this time there was no escape, no band aid solution, no Plan B. The serious, inner work had begun. At this point I would love to tell you that it was all plain sailing from here, but that would not be the truth either.
The pain was so deep, the rage so intense and the anxiety and depression so debilitating that for close on a decade I was incapable of sustaining a normal life. A part of me could not and would not get over the fact that my own father had treated us so appallingly and that we were not safe in our house from the very person who was meant to protect and nurture us. A part of me could not and would not get over the fact that the world was such a disgustingly cruel place filled with so much pain.
Luckily, there was also a much bigger part of me who knew that I had created all this myself and that my father was my greatest teacher. After all, I had spent more than 10 years educating myself on how it all works here. But I still could not imagine in my wildest dreams how I could ever move totally beyond those beliefs. But I kept working at it, chipping away at the pain as well as all the out dated third dimensional beliefs.
I sold my house so that I was able to live in comfort while I completed this clearing work and I am so grateful that I was able to do that.
What I have spent on personal development and therapy over 25 years could have bought a small island off the coast of Jamaica. I know I helped many therapists send their kids to private schools. But there were three modalities that really helped me achieve balance and peace in my life; kinesiology, EFT and Essential Oils. What I particularly love about the latter two is their ease of use and the self empowerment they provide. If you are serious about growing and changing or healing and you don’t have many thousands of dollars to spend, you can really heal your own life, or at least some of it. Most of my inner work I facilitated myself. I have been to hell and back mentally and emotionally so many times that I understand the process of change and I know why it is so difficult for many of us.
What I wish I could have learned sooner is this. You don’t have to work on all the issues. They are no more than manifestations of a handful of Core Beliefs and a few lesser ones. Once you find the core and change those decisions you made, the issues will start to disappear very quickly.
Now that knowledge alone could have saved me a heap of time and money. But the good news is now I am in a perfect position to help others move beyond their issues much more quickly than I did. That’s my mission in life.
Now all this begs the question? Where am I now in all this?
Good question. Glad you asked.
Today, I am in a place that I have never experienced before (in this lifetime anyway). I feel joy, peace, and a sense of personal power that still manages to amaze me. Is the work over yet? I say it’s never over. We don’t come here to sit around and accumulate bigger cars and fancy houses. They’re only props for this incredible journey called life. We come here to raise our consciousness and evolve into higher and higher forms, so there’s always more to be done.
I am no longer willing to buy into false beliefs like victim status or any form of powerlessness that we retreat to when we don’t want to take responsibility for what we have created. And if I forget that, please remind me as I will remind you.
What I learned and how much I have managed to raise my consciousness during one lifetime is astounding, but you will have to take my word for that. Now I am here to assist you, to make your journey lighter, easier and quicker. Are you ready?